I have written you a thousand letters in my head. Every night as I put you to bed, I rock you back and forth, your little face tucked against my neck, your hot sweet breath on my skin, I compose a letter to you in my mind. I wrote you letters before you were born, they are tucked inside a shoe box for your bigger-future-one-day-self. However, since you were born there has been hundreds of words I wanted to write that never made it to a page, because I’ve been too busy loving you to pick up a pen…
As of this morning you are three months old. It seems cruel that time passed so slowly when you were growing inside me and now that we are separate and I have you in my arms time seems as though it is racing. This, I’m learning, is a mothers woe my love. I am eager to see you grow, to teach you, to watch you change and to love every stage and moment of your beautiful life… but I am also just as eager to pause time right here, right now and just hold you in my arms like this, my baby, forever.
I have so many favourite times of day right now. I love the moment you wake me from my sleep for the final time during the night. When my bleary eyes find clarity and your face for the first time in the daylight. You greet me with a smile sometimes a laugh and always with a face full of joy. No matter how hard the night has been, there you are… ready to start the day fresh and happy. I love afternoon nap time when your skin is sweaty and sweet and you lay arms and legs spread under the fan. Your little mouth wide open and your body so relaxed. It is in these moments that I find myself lost in you. Time racing past, and there I am, just sitting, watching your little chest rise and fall with each breath.
I know when I am a very old woman I will remember these moments with the bittersweet sadness that nostalgia brings, and I’ll call you on the phone – my grown up woman baby and chat with you as you wrestle with your own feelings of love and loss in the life you are leading.
I am so hyper-aware of how quickly life is racing right now, and this brings me closer to you. Every moment you are awake I drink you in. Your every sound and movement fills me with pride and I find myself loving you more, just because.
The future has so many things in store for us, so many lessons to learn and so many wonderful things to discover. But for now, at three months old, we are your world and for that I am eternally grateful.
xox Your Mama.